Another Spin Around The Sun

My feelings about 2019 summed up perfectly.

I think most of us can agree 2019 was for the pits.

Mr. C needed major surgery (and we are still waiting on biopsy results);  my mother is in hospital while waiting for a nursing home (and rapidly declining while she is there), several other loved ones got bad news, my depression was bad and my anxiety started getting out of control. Between hospital visits and the like, I became exhausted and I stopped taking care of myself.

If you are reading this and can take just one thing away, please let it be this: self care is important. I learned this the hard way.

But 2019 had light spots along the way. We learned who our true friends were, D&D nights are the best way to spend time with friends, and our Greyhound is still coming out of her shell, even becoming a cuddle bug. We must be doing something right.

Thanks to a doctor I spoke to when getting a med refill, she referred me to mental health, and now I am doing a program called ICAN, which is helping me gain control of my anxiety. It’s forced me to take care of myself, and I am starting to feel like my old self again, a little at a time. (My couch is amazing. He’s helped me more then he could ever know).

The end of 2019 has had me gaining control and getting organized. While I have said before I don’t do resolutions for the new year, I do plan to continue my progress for 2020. Staying more positive, continuing to work on my anxiety, and getting back to the things I love. I have started a book club and have made a plan to get organized in the new year. Change and progress doesn’t happen overnight. But I am feeling pretty good about the new year.

Hello 2020, I look forward to meeting you.

Hello, it’s me again…

Well, I can’t remember the last time I was here. I think at the time I was having a hard go of things.

To be honest, my 2019 haven’t been so hot. And from what I hear from people I talk to, it has been the same for many people. If you are one of those people, I feel for ya. If not, well I am glad at least someone has been having some good luck.

I have put myself and my health on the back burner. Over the last couple of months, my hubby has been dealing with some health issues. Life has become a series of hospital stays, doctor appointments, praying to God and the universe, on top of daily life.

My anxiety went through the roof. But I am happy to say that part is improving, thanks to a doc who referred me to mental health as well as a program called ICAN.

I have a much more positive outlook for 2020 🙂 I plan to get back to my book reviews (one coming soon!), starting a book club and getting organized in my daily and writing life. I have already started the declutter by removing an obscene amount of people from my Facebook.

If you have stuck around, I thank you 🙂 More fun and positive posts coming soon and in the new year!

A Little Of Topic

When I created this blog, I had intended to use for purely geeky purposes. To talk about my favorite things, to show my newest autograph, make book reviews and more.

There’s something very personal in my life, that I never planned to bring here. It’s something that I don’t really talk about. Recent activities online have brought up some things for me. If others are helping to erase the stigma, then by God, I am going to do my part too. Every small step adds up, right?

I have depression. (Oh, and anxiety/social anxiety, and panic attacks. Awesome, huh? *eye roll*)

And I have had it since I was 16, so half of my life. I go through periods of good, when all is smooth sailing. Then I have periods of darkness, where I either feel major self hate, or numb. Both are awful. Both are nothing but hell.

Actor Jared Padalecki started the ‘Always Keep Fighting’ campaign, helping to bring awareness to mental health and slowly helping to break the stigma. Seeing someone like him, in the spotlight with millions of eyes on him, talk about his own battles made me feel like I am not so alone in this.

A couple of days ago he caused some worry for his legions of fans, myself included, when he tweeted that he had to go home and see his family, and “I need all the love I can get right now. Please give me a few seconds of your time and write me. #AlwaysKeepFighting.”

With so much talk about depression and mental health online lately, and seeing Jared do so much, it made me realize how much I hide my depression. I don’t tell many people about it. I don’t talk to anyone about it when I am going through a rough patch.

Why?

Because of ignorance. I have had shitty comments made to me over the years, which is why I started hiding that part of me. It’s funny how if a physical part of you is broken, people give sympathy or come to try and help you. But if it is something they can’t see, it is a whole other story. They turn their back, either not understanding or not knowing what the hell to do.

I’m not keeping quiet anymore.

I am not a person who should be ashamed or be made to feel bad for something I CAN’T HELP.

If you suffer from depression or another form of mental illness, don’t feel embarrassed. Don’t hide like you have something that is a dirty little secret. I’m no longer hiding. And if someone has an issue with that, if someone can’t deal, then it is their problem, not mine.

And if you don’t have depression, anxiety or whatnot, be careful what you say to others. Educate yourself.

Here are a few things said to me over the years.

“What do you have to be sad about anyway?”

Do you think I like feeling like this? Yes, I have a good life. I’m part business owner of the salon I work in. I’m a published author. I have a loving mother (and father, RIP), a fiance who loves me. I’m healthy, I have friends (not a lot, but I’d rather a small number of loyal friends then a bucket full of fake ones.) Could certain things in my life be better? Sure. But my life is good. That has no bearing on my depression.

“Why can’t you just be happy?” 

Do you think I like waking up, feeling ‘numb’ for days and weeks on end? Feeling nothing. Or do you think I like waking up, having what I call a good day, and by noon or the evening my internal frame of mind has taken a complete turn? Feeling good one minute and literally like hell the next? Nobody wakes up and decides to be depressed.

“If you were down why didn’t you just call/email/text?”

Okay so that isn’t exactly a shitty thing, however, odds are of reaching out are slim to none. People who are depressed feel as if they are a burden, myself included. If I was just having a blue day and needed some fun, sure I will get in touch. But if it’s something deeper, I won’t be the one going to you. My inner dialogue? “He/she has their own shit pile, no need to bother them with this.”

“There are people worse off then you.” 

Yes, I know that. And thanks for the added guilt, as if I wasn’t feeling shitty enough. Thank you for making me feel bad about something I can’t control.

“Well it could be worse.”

True. But spend ten minutes inside my head during a dark period and maybe you will understand my personal hell.

“You don’t look depressed.” 

You don’t look ignorant.

The stigma in regards to mental health needs to stop. If you suffer from something, please get help if you need it. If you don’t suffer from depression, please have some love and compassion for the people in your life who do. You have no idea what another person is thinking or feeling. Please don’t judge. (I think it is safe to say that everyone should follow that golden rule.)

I could say a lot more on the topic, and I probably will another day. These are just some of the random things going through my head the last few days. No matter what you suffer from, you are NOT alone.

Always Keep Fighting.